Today I had a physio appointment for my hips, my doctors now have an on site Physiotherapist and refer all joint issues to her. It’s amazing , the practice has gone from never being able to get through on the phone and no appointments, to having something useful. My G.P practice is not unlike most in the country, its all part of the general NHS crisis.
Well I met a woman who moves exactly as I do and described the same pains and symptoms and wow, she had a diagnosis and treatment with injections for the pain regularly. woohoo I thought, Yes there is hope! She has Bursitis and it took her a long time to get it diagnosed but I felt positive and not put off with that, so I dialled my Doctor’s to make an appointment.
I am all for physio and have seen many over the years, I know my exercises to help and do them regularly within my stretch classes. I was not therefore put off by not being able to see a doctor, I thought it would just be case of appearing and being passed on to the doctor, just one extra step to take, metaphorically.
My first mistake was just to turn up without having prepared what to say, my taxi was late and I very nearly didn’t get there on time, as it happens I just joined the queue when a door opened and my name was called. I was sweaty and distracted but just dived in there.
I gave my spiel about my hips, we moved to the bed, she moved my legs around and up and down, while I said nothing. Here’s the thing, it hurt, it always hurts! I had hobbled in there, feeling my legs twisting out of my frame. I am so used to pain, I had shut my ‘pain gate’ ( a visualisation learned at condition management sessions through the DWP decades earlier)
Yes my pain threshold is high, I am accustomed to high levels without giving any indication, permanent exhaustion prevents me responding, I barely have the energy to register a smile never mind the contorted face of pain. Mistake number two, I don’t know what she was looking for, but knew my lack of response had blown it. Put me near a bed and tell me to lie down and its amazing I don’t fall instantly asleep. If Dentist’s didn’t keep talking I would sleep through every check up,
So finally with a smile she gave me her diagnosis, yes she actually had a decision to share and was quick to share it.
‘There is nothing wrong with your hips.’
What the fuck, is she deluded! I could barely contain myself. So because I can move my legs, made possible with lots of regular exercise and agony, there is nothing wrong! so all these years, all this pain, all these struggles to move, aah away with you, its nothing!
‘Nothing isn’t anything, its tasteless and its flat.
Nothing isn’t anything, Its even less than that.’ John Cooper Clarke.
How this poem rang through my head! Nothing! Nothing, Nothing! How can this be?
I am a quiet unassuming woman, yes sir, no sir, follow the rules and do what’s right and best for others, so I smiled and get her to verify, she means I don’t have Bursitis or Hypermobility, that my hip joint seems to be normal, she seemed very proud of herself, like that was what I needed to hear, she is probably one of the unbelievers who think my illness is in my head, and have I tried going wheat free!!
GGGRrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I roar at the world and then cry to myself, deeply, inwardly!
Here it came again, my hope dashed again, no direct diagnosis, no possible treatment, just drag your self out of that room and carry on as ever with nothing!
Never has that word been felt so keenly.
Nothing, it is nothing, I am nothing, there is nothing wrong; and now I fall into the trap so they can say, ‘see its in your head, you are depressed/ overweight/ not taking the right care of yourself/’ Its all your own fault. There is nothing the matter so you can get better. Oh what a mighty can of worms that cheerful woman has opened.
Chrisx
T
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Living With ME 