So you may already Know I have been struggling recently, my pain levels have gone off the chart and I just haven’t been able to reboot and regain any modicum of control. When I think of it now, I realise I need a huge hug and praise for being awake and active at all during winter months; this is not always the case, even now I know the answer lies in lying still, I just don’t want to. I want a life!! I demand a life!! I am beyond sick of all of this!!!
Well wanting and having are to different things. in this mode I am most likely to push and push and push myself physically until the point of total collapse. I will punish myself by ignoring my symptoms and pushing through the pain again and again.
I must not do this! I know this feeling and where it leads, self destruction is not a viable option.
I make another appointment with a G.P, prepared this time to beg for and accept new pain relief options. At my last appointment with a student doctor, he said morphine was the next step and I was scared. Since then I have thought about it and feel ready to try, I know people with morphine patches and hear they work, giving a constant relief rather than the up and down of Tramadol. He also mentioned another possible drug, but for now advised I take tramadol at night also. I am most struggling in the night, with pain keeping me awake so agreed to this. I am not a drug monster, I am careful with my drug use and do everything to avoid dependency, yet I can not function without it.
Now I accept defeat and give into the pills, I will take anything just to make it stop, just for a while, just long enough to take the constant fear away, its a vicious cycle, it hurts, I know certain movements make it hurt more, so I start to fear the movement to the point I fear all movement and have to stop, becoming a bed ridden mess.
So New Year, New Me mantra, I will take back control, I will get through this, I will have some semblance of a life, I don’t have grand plans, I want to dance and write in a solid but manageable routine, its not much to ask.
So back to the G.P.
This one is a new one to me, she is keen and doesn’t believe in pain relief. Fuck! I seem like an addict begging for more. She proves she is diligent and dedicated and starts with me as though starting from the beginning, asking about diagnosis and other exploratory tests, damn it, I don’t care about all that, I’ve believed in tests, had tests and tests and tests, I want pain relief please! I hate her! She asks all the right questions and listens and I know she is doing the right thing, but I’ve been here before and I just don’t have the strength for it. I sink into myself and agree to it all, first the bloods, I see from the request form after that she suspects diabetes, been there, don’t have that. There is also a hormones levels check and bone and calcium and something rheumatic, lots to check. She wants x-rays of my hands and a referral to rheumatology, and a pain clinic. Any other time I would have been grateful but this time I feel shattered, as in literally blown apart. I needed this pain to stop now, NOW!
I hint at my desperation but feel judged; she knows I am a mother that my child suffers also and so I can’t tell the truth, If I cry she will assume I am depressed so I mustn’t.
She asks about hormones, I happily tell her my periods are slowing, something more for her to grasp at, would I take HRT? I tell her I will take anything, anything, please, anything. Instead I leave with investigations to wait for and nothing to help, nothing! There is nothing to help, nothing but me and my self and my stamina and strength of mind and me. It all starts with me, there is no white Knight to rescue me, no magic cure, no cure at all, no one to soothe me or support me or comfort me, just me. I will rail against the unfairness the absurdity if it all, then I will set my mind straight take a deep nasal breathe and begin again.
Wish me luck,
Chris x
Living With ME 