I can’t talk about it.

I am sitting here in the lovely warm library, thinking of things to write. I have a list of topics with pieces half written in my head and yet I just can’t do it. I reread my last post and cried, quietly.

I have lost my positivity, my determination and clarity. I want to cry and curl up with the dogs. I slept through yesterday and woke today feeling refreshed, I made progress on the state of the house, completing several small chores, I finally got all the Xmas stuff into the cupboard, I daren’t open it again as it will all leap out, but that door is shut , for now. I even made dinner, ready for later.

I got here, intent and inspired, I thought. I have enough time before my relaxing stretch class and cardio dance session but I am just sitting here. I don’t know where to start or what to say? All the pieces I have planned seem negative, I want to write something witty and amusing, but I can’t. Nothing I think is light or nice. The truth just seems endlessly dark.

Okay so just reading this, I probably did too much earlier, time to reel my thoughts in and just be at peace with myself, accept that for now I just can’t talk, can’t put the words outside of myself and know that’s okay.

I am feeling week and emotionally vulnerable and so must focus on the things that cheer me, writing this blog, usually makes me very happy, just not today. I will go over to the gym and stretch and dance and hope that will do the trick. I will loose myself in the music and feel myself move, if I can’t do it I will sit out and listen and watch and know I am trying to live.

So, for now I can’t talk, but I will again in time.