Shadow.

As I walk I notice my shadow, it rears in front of me showing my inner turmoil, no matter how much I try to present myself and hide my exhausted, pained state. There in my shadow it is for all to see. A lumbering, lurching, creature, like Frankenstein’s, no name, creation, as though my limbs are mismatched and sewn together crudely, my gait abnormally hefty, dragging a leg behind. In my mind I am a spritely creature walking briskly, cheerily, enjoying the sunlight on my face, raised optimistically.

Ahead of me the darkness squirms. creeps along joined at my toes, could Wendy have sewn Peter’s shadow back to him if it were like this? I don’t think so. My shadow looms, larger than life, grotesque in the shapes it throws out of me. In this silhouette, my contours are blurred, foggy, leaking out like fingers from the bowels of the pit of despair.

In this vision I see my self as I am, as passers by must see me, I hunch and hide yet I am illuminated into this jerking state of spasm. I smile but my shadow doesn’t show this, if it were to have facial features it would present an ever present scowl. It encompasses me whole devouring all that is light and bright about me.

I must raise up, straighten from my core, adjust my shuffling feet and shade my eyes from this vision, or I will cry and my tears shall drown me where I hobble. I change direction and my shadow stretches behind me, mocking me as I focus on the path ahead, and concentrate on walking straight. I look up and out but see little, just let the light wash over me as I press on. I must not give into the darkness, if my shadow reveals my true self then I must not accept it and must not give in. I look to the light, but my shadow weighs against me, pulling at my soul.

Maybe this shadow is simply the manifestation of my illness, perhaps I am visualising it as I walk? In the right direction at the right angle, I can always keep a step away from it, it is part of me and yet separate, joined only by those few stitches at my feet. I can’t out run it, escape it, but I won’t always see it and I can keep it at bay if I am strong, maybe?

Look to the light! Chris.xx