my its been a long, long time.
Well hello, hello. the lengthy intermission has ended and I am back to it. I am aiming for a regular routine too. As you may know I always say that, so here goes and who knows.
Wow, its been a year nearly, I can’t believe it, where have I been? What have I been up to? I hear you ask. Well those are questions, in truth I have little idea. I wonder where the time went myself. How did I fill it? Errr??
I was busy living I guess, well getting on with my limited routines, some how I just could not find the time or head space for writing, despite vowing to make it a priority. Life took over, well other peoples lives took over me. I touched on these responsibilities a little in my last post I think. My mum was unwell and this year there have been a number of visits to A&E, with a range of scares, she has been frail and needy and I am who she has. My daughter reached the point of agoraphobia, being totally consumed by her illness and again I am who she has, so in most part I have felt the crushing responsibility and fear for the future that brings.
All is brighter now, mum is strong and herself again and my girl, girl no longer as she is twenty, has finally reached a point of accepting medical help and fighting back. Don’t I sound like a good person, I am not, mostly I have crashed out on waves of exhaustion and panic. I’ve done all that I could and little else.
Death paid us a visit and grief reared its head to bite, and that took up some time and attention. I am being vague here, I don’t feel ready to share these details yet, though I am sure I will at some point. It’s not that I am avoiding grieving just that, for now I need to separate it.
I was a little productive for a few months earlier this year, I studied two short courses, one in person and one online, these were a positive experience, reminding me I still have skills and can learn. I will definitely be devoting some time to writing about these in more detail.
Can we ever really answer these kind of questions, as to what we have been doing over time? With these conditions are we ever very far from simply striving to exist? Do healthy people find it easier to account for their time, their lives? I am not sure that they do. What do you think?
Time passes like river rapids and here I sit, wondering, thinking, what now? I turned fifty last year and this had a powerful affect on me, I have become very aware of myself, my desires and dreams for life and so now I must put my money where my mouth is and get on with my projects and start living the life I want. Wish me luck with it.
Here’s to the future!
Chris.xx
Living With ME 