I sit to write this with a shadow of fear hanging over me. Just as I get into a new routine, life rears its head at me.
Sitting recently, my breasts felt tender and I gave a little massage only to feel, that least wanted of things, a lump. I instantly denied it, took my hands away, ignored it. Then panic rising I went in for a more examined feel, yes, there it was, just as I thought I imagined it, hard, different.
Okay, okay, don’t panic. leave it and check again later, this was my common sense response. The next time I checked there was nothing there, I reassured myself and put it from my mind. Curiosity got the better of me and fear crept in, now all that I touched were lumps, I’ve always had lumpy breasts, but now they seemed like rocks of death.
I talked to my daughter, who calmly urged me to ring the Doctors and have it checked. By this time I had decided I was just paranoid, I agreed that if I found it next time I would ring.
The weekend took over and I put it from my thoughts, by Tuesday morning, my head was befuddled, was I imagining or was it real. I rang the surgery and to my shock had an appointment later in the day. Now I was convinced there was nothing there and the Doctor would reassure me, nice and simple not long to wait.
To my horror, the Doctor did indeed feel a lump, right where I thought it was, so much for imagination. She referred me to the breast clinic, a one stop shop, where they do all the tests worst of all she advised me to stop taking my HRT in the mean time, I left feeling numb.
The next morning before 9am, I was called with an appointment for the clinic, exactly a week later from seeing the Doctor, one week to wait. Okay, okay, I can do that. I am a grown up. It is probably all fine. AAAArrrrggghhhhh! inside my head was imploding!
It is now the day before my early morning appointment, have I held it together? Mostly, I think, I haven’t broken down, screamed audibly, or drowned my sorrows in self pity, but I am scared. Very scared! Very, very scared!
A good friend sent me messages to remind me of my importance within the universe, to focus on my faith in it and not my fear. She is so right. I am holding to that. My favourite quote is ‘ since the fear did her no good, she ceased to be afraid.’ from Angela Carter’s The company of wolves. Strangely I saw a play version of this last weekend, when all this was in the cupboard marked denial. Yes do not give in to fear, it does no good. I must have faith in the universe. I must not allow these thoughts to roam freely around the vault of my mind, I can over think take tangents, link it all in a big bundle of suffocating fear, but I won’t.
Even now I am telling myself, there is nothing there, if there is, its just a cyst. The letter and booklet for my appointment clearly states that most often people leave reassured they do not have cancer.
Here’s the thing, most of my life I was prone to believing in the negative outcome over a positive one, where there was a choice. For example, when I discovered I was pregnant, I learned that cancer can cause a positive pregnancy test, before it was confirmed by the Doctor, I was of the mind that I was having a baby or had cancer.
I am not a lucky person, I don’t win at games of chance, never have, if there’s a raffle I will win the booby prize. Being pregnant was a shock to me and it was through pregnancy and birthing my beautiful baby that my outlook changed. Honestly, I had expected something bad to happen throughout the whole process and when it didn’t it changed my world. Sitting near my sleeping baby, I vowed to change, to believe in the goodness of the universe and never again let negativity in.
Well that was nearly 21 years ago and my vow has been tested to the limit. Maybe pregnancy was the booby prize all along, maybe parenting is a curse not a joy? Now I am getting dark, but no, being a mum has been the most wonderful and tortuous experience and I wouldn’t be me, without her.
So I must stand by my vow, I believe in a positive result, I already suffer, surely cancer would be over kill.
I so just want to know, there are three tests and I am believing I will be sent home after test one, all reassured, feeling foolish for wasting people’s time. I just don’t know yet. Waiting is hard!
This time tomorrow it will all be over, this little drama, done and dusted. All will be back on track, so I better keep to my routine and keep moving forward.
Maybe we all need to think of our mortality from time to time, at this point I have an overwhelming urge to live, this surprises me as I have at times wished my life away, understandable with this condition. Is this pay back? Does it serve me right for the times of darkness. Is this a life lesson, to remind me, I am precious, I am not done yet.
Or did the universe hear my deep, dark, secret cries for an escape, a legitimate way out, that no one could blame me for. Does my truth seep through and corrode my breast.
Is there a fight ahead? One way or another there will be, even when I don’t have cancer, and I will fight, hard and strong, I will live to be a hundred.
Should I post this now while I still don’t know, or wait until tomorrow when I have an answer, maybe I should keep you all waiting as I wait and wait,
Here is to faith over fear!
Chris.xx
Living With ME 