Well I am back into a routine, sort of, but I forgot about my hands. It’s been a year nearly, since I disappeared from here. I’ve been pressing myself to get ahead and posts have been falling out of me. Ow, ow and ooch! my fingers are fat sausages ready to burst. My knuckles do not want to bend though they are in claw position and they hurt!
I remember when I fist started writing this, I had to pace myself and practice regularly to increase my stamina and typing ability. Well now I am back to square one and I have ignored my own advice and best practice. Why does this body have to hold me back? Its just a bit of writing, it should not be hard. The hardest part is fitting it into a routine and having my cognitive skills switched on. I write many of my posts in my head first, usually while I am stuck lying in bed, then it flows from me when I sit at a P.C. I had been reliant on the library, but with a new laptop, I am able to get out and about, not that I have managed to do that yet.
I have been writing at home, I have arranged a table area in my bedroom, I have my daughter’s cast off gaming chair, complete with bunny tail and ears, its super comfy and supportive. My room is a constant mess and I have realised recently, I like it this way, I feel cosy and comforted and enjoy being in here. It is my space, currently most things in it belong to me, it hasn’t always been that way, over the years it had become a dumping ground foe all kinds of household detritus. my clothes give it an air of a jumble sale, and I like it.
But my bloody hands, they feel like I’ve been subjected to hard labour, rather than light typing! How could I have forgotten about that? Its like each symptom is forgotten until the next time. So for now its back to the beginning, I must pace my fingers and their actions, no more blithely spewing out my words without thinking of the consequences. So here I stop for now and will add more later in the day, resting my hands in between. Hopefully I can build up gradually and reach a point where I can throw out my ideas without pain.
Its day’s later, I rested my hands, with no activity and they felt better, but then I had unavoidable physical chores to do and that was that. Hands balls of fire, all clawed up and useless. It is bloody frustrating, then I remember, I am alive and moving ,periodically, I am not bed ridden, its never far away but I am living a kind of live, limited but life. I must keep this in mind, we are not all so lucky,
Well I am back and pacing my efforts, no more writing until my mind is empty and my thoughts purged here. Careful and cautious. I am beginning to get ahead of myself, I have posts awaiting publication, I just have to remember to post them weekly, that is harder than it sounds. For now I must write no more than three short paragraphs and then rest my hands.
I really want to communicate my physical pain, even after doing so little but it is hard to find the words until it is on me again and then I can’t write. Small steps, I will get there. Being held back by your body is so difficult, I must pay attention to the symptoms before symptoms overwhelm me.
More soon,
Chris xx
Living With ME 