Well I am trying to think of a witty title for this one but I am stumped. On the way here today I nearly walked in to a friend, well a past friend. I saw her and smiled with a ‘Hi’ while her face screwed into a most unfriendly scowl, as I looked at her directly her manners forced her to answer with a disgruntled ‘hello’ which got me thinking. Firstly, what have I done to warrant such an unfriendly response and then onto friendships and there twists and turns.
I have always found it hard to make friends, well on a real and more intimate level. I make acquaintance easily as I know how to talk to people, I am either an entertainer and people think I am confident and not needing connection or I am quiet and shy and people avoid me. It takes time to build friendships and I am unreliable due to my illness. When I finally do connect to a new friend it then hits me that investment is necessary and having the energy to maintain friendships is hard, finding people who understand when you don’t text back because you were out of action is hard, people think that they understand but they soon loose interest.
It is hard to let people in to my life and few people see me when I am unable to put up a mask of normality. Exhaustion just makes it too difficult. When the rare person spends more time with me and sees the symptoms as they develop they are usually shocked, the difference between me with energy and not is stark.
Recently I was at an event through the dance department at the gym, I looked around for somewhere to sit and felt overwhelmed, I crept into a seat out of the way, at the back. As people arrived they all headed towards other dance class members, suddenly I was aware of a clique and that I was not included. A few women smiled and said ‘hi’, to me but most all gathered into groups. I was feeling low and didn’t have the energy to wander amongst the crowd and knew that if I tried I would feel out of place. It got me thinking and left me feeling lonely.
Recently, after missing a number of dance classes, I returned, feeling energised and jolly, with a positive attitude it seemed that a number of class members came over to me to chat, so then I thought its down to me to make more effort. A lovely woman confided to me that another group member is driving her mad, apparently, the woman concerned is arriving late, (rude) blocking the view of instructor for others, and generally being disrespectful. Well I hadn’t noticed any of these misdemeanours and was shocked at the veracity of the complainant. Suddenly I was thinking to myself, oh dear, is this how I had started off in classes, have I made such mistakes? is that why it took so long to fit in to the group? I have always disliked cliques and realised that I am happier on the outside of such groups, so no more feeling sorry for myself.
Friendships feel like a minefield, they need effort and time, and I am not sure I will ever understand the correct etiquette of joining groups and so I am destined to remain on the side-lines. The majority of my friends are from long ago and long distance, so exist mainly in my phone, if I need a pep talk or advice, I get it, but its not the same as seeing people in person from time to time.
I used to crave people alike to myself, shared commonality, but finding people like myself proved difficult, over time I learned to appreciate the differences between me and others and learned that acceptance of each other is key to friendships. Still it was always a lovely moment when I made that instant connection with someone. Many adults are closed to the idea of new friendships, many formed their bonds in childhood and have stuck with them, then partners and children filled their time and any void left, work mates provide enough social connection for most and they simply don’t have time or energy for new relationships, this makes it hard for those of us looking to connect, but we must not give up, for not all are lucky enough to have all these connectives and people’s lives change, families dissolve, work changes and someone who felt filled can very easily become lonely.
The dreaded loneliness can over take any of us, no matter the people in our lives, at times I have felt I have worn the label of lonely on my head, daring people to speak to me, but as we all know, obvious signs of loneliness drive people away from us, as if we have a contagious disease. It is imperative that we learn to love and care for ourselves so that others can to.
In recent years my mum has become my best friend and now my daughter is becoming a friend also, but I still yearn for friendship, but feel it is always going to be slightly out of my reach. Oh well, time to appreciate all I have, rather than mourn for the things that allude me. Ultimately we are all alone, if we can not find peace within ourselves we are doomed. Our culture is set for our identities to be based on what we do and the people around us, we see ourselves through the eyes of others, but when we are alone we can rely only on ourselves and our own vision and imagery, this is a test of true self, to be alone and yet still have a solid identity is the ultimate party trick. To exist outside of the parameters of social convention, is to discover ourselves truly, to master our loneliness the ultimate achievement.
And so I accept my time alone for now, while keeping myself open to others and the possibility of new friendships.
Chris. xx
Living With ME 