I wrote this last year and now a year later I finally post it.
I have turned 50! a momentous event I feel, I could not have imagined growing so old. It feels like a special occasion and I so wanted to celebrate big time. This was not to happen though, As usual the time of year was against me, who wants to do anything at the end of november, well I don’t, I go into hibernation mode around this time. Also, xmas work events dominate the scene, its just too close to xmas. Its cold and dark and all the things I would love to do are outdoors. Each year I say I will organise a celebration in the summer, a wild swimming or water sports affair, enjoying water and the sun, and yet I never make this happen. Why not? Well for one thing I don’t know enough people to invite, this is a big problem. Out of the people I do know none of them realise my situation, I have a family of two people and I need other people to celebrate with.
This year I decided I would try the local comedy club for a weekend night out, I asked a number of friends, but only one, and her boyfriend, confirmed. My daughter was up for it in theory and she asked a friend, but all others I asked refused the offer, one was not comfortable going out in a group with people she doesn’t know, another was at the theatre that night, an excuse? Two other acquaintances had other plans. I tried enticing some people from the gym but no one took the bait and so it was I would’ve been alone with a couple of teenagers and a couple, I feared how lame that looked, eventually I just gave up on the idea as I just didn’t want to go out, instead I had settled into hibernation.
Its times like birthdays and xmas I feel the loneliness, though I must remind myself, I was lonely last year and I was with a partner of sorts, I am not sure which is worse.
In the days leading up to my big day 50! Weyhey! I was busy buying birthday type things, decorations, candles, bits and pieces, in theory my daughter or mother would do such things but in reality, mum never has and my daughter was too unwell and asleep mostly so unable to.
I challenge all of you to buy yourself presents and bits and pieces and cake, you start with a bright mood, caught up in all the lovely things you would like; but then it hits, you are buying your own treats, it feels sad. You can shake this feeling but it grows down deep, there is no one to do these things for you, you are alone. There is a point up to which its okay, you tell yourself, this way you get things as you like, but when you buy a card for your child to give to you, it all falls away. Better this way than nothing, you tell your self, I guess that is true, but it still feels shit. I expect there are many women and mother’s out there who know this feeling, despite having people around them and so I mustn’t moan and feel sorry for myself, yet I still do.
Enough of that, my birthday was fine in the end, an afternoon lunch with Mum and daughter. It was amazing the girl got up and out so I had to appreciate that. The two of them bickered like siblings as is what usually happens. Nothing went quite right, the clothes I picked to wear didn’t feel right, I had a heavy period, as happens every year. The place we chose to eat, just didn’t seem as nice as we thought when we had been before. My favourite drink there, ‘Strawberry fizz’ non alcoholic loveliness, was no longer on the menu, aargh! Now it was something similar with passion fruit, the gloopy seeds stuck in my paper straw, disolving it. Everything was just a little droopy. Oh well onwards into the evening.
For my big night, I had chosen to attend my dance class as usual, I organised some cakes to share through the gym cafe. Again nothing was quite right. The cafe had forgotten my booking, I had to wait while they threw things together and of course, people dancing for exercise are not interested in cake, whoops, I hadn’t thought about that. Oh well, I put on a brave mask and announced my age to all, I danced hard and happily, pretending I was not sad.
For the next part I called at a pub for a quick drink with an old friend before heading home with her for a night of champagne and cake. We called for her daughter and her boyfriend on the way, arriving back to mine where my daughter and her friend were waiting to celebrate. Flowers and chocs were waiting for me too. We spent the night with music and drinks and laughter, I relaxed and was happy. At least I wasn’t alone as I have been on other birthdays. This was a good night, next year I vowed would be better. Grateful also that I wasn’t asleep, so many years I have slept through without any celebration.
I posted a picture on facebook of my pile of gifts, knowing that my birthday cheer did not come close to the celebrations of others, but hey, we can’t all have it all.
It is always at these times of markers and celebrations that I feel the burden of my condition. Maintaining a normal regular routine is hard work, occasions that require energy are a hard thing to manage. The smallness of my life works well generally, but at these times it feels disappointing. Accepting and appreciating the little things, feels like a let down when you have a mind to celebrate. Just sometimes, times like this I wish I had a different life.
Turning fifty is a big thing, I like being older, but so many things happen to the body around this time, there are so many factors that are universal truths. My eyes, I couldn’t read a single letter of the board this time at the opticians, now I have reading glasses everywhere. Menopause, well lets just say now I know why older women are grumpy. Thankfully there is HRT. Then there is the hair, the grey, mine coming through in patches making it look ridiculous, I took the opportunity to die my light hair, dark, a huge contrast that I loved but the upkeep of roots is a mighty faff. Oh there are more things that happen and test your mind, I have taken these things in my stride and embraced the ageing. Fifty feels like a momentous thing, I feel more myself than I ever have, I have survived half a century, I want to live for ever!
Here’s to next year!
Chris. xx
Living With ME 