Pukey!

Well this is an unpleasant symptom and so if you have a weak stomach maybe don’t read on. I have written about this topic before but feel drawn to say more as lately this is a daily horrible symptom.

So yes I feel sick, like whirling nausea constantly, its like being sea sick, my vertigo has increased with it also. It hangs over my head, I am even having headaches, which are not a usual symptom.

I feel the urge to literally puke, non stop, even when my body is empty of food. When I think of food it overwhelms me and it feels uncontrollable. When I eat I feel that I want to spew every mouthful out, each time, I think eating may ease it but no. I burp gas from my bloated gut, opening my mouth to release it, leaning forward expecting an avalanche of sick that doesn’t come.

I have digestive disorders, reflux acid and oesophagitis, its probably gastro-oesophageal reflux disease, but who needs another title. I take Lansoprozole daily without it I can not keep food down, without the pills I can eat only lightly steamed vegetables, believe me this is not a fun diet and even then I must guzzle Gaviscon Advance and still have symptoms. I have taken this medication for over 25 years, having worked through an array of others before that. There are more recent treatments but this one still works usually and so I carry on; maybe I should speak with a doctor and try a newer one, maybe.

As for the sickness and vertigo, I use Prochlorperazine, this has been my main one for many years, again I have tried others but always come back to this. Right now it doesn’t feel like its working, this happens and I know that it means I have been trying to live like a low level human being, I have done to much for too long. I know that a number of weeks spent in and around my bed with limited movement and mental activity will reboot my internal ocean. I need to do this but I am still rebelling and trying to do things and pretend to be a person, with some quality of life.

The problem with these symptoms, they will only get worse, a short car journey, well taxi, I can not drive, another setback of this curse, makes me heave and spit burning liquid from deep down. It turns me into a hurling, heaving, pukey monster. It is horrible and I can not hold out much longer. Lying in bed, I feel I am floating on a rough ocean with waves that curl and throw me inside. My head bangs, I must close my eyes and wait for the seas to calm, right now I feel that it will never subside, but I am writing this and not lying still as I should be.

This illness stinks but often at my worst times my body goes into shut down and puts me out, like being under anesthesia, I feel nothing and that is a merciful release. Now though I feel everything, all my other symptoms are in the background with this rampant sickness taken over. I lay down and look at the inside of my eyelids, craving the dark, willing it to settle. I know these symptoms well but every time it gets this bad I panic and struggle against the feelings. Literally I feel ill, sick, it is out of my control and I hate it. I don’t sleep easily, the swaying and gulping and retching keeps me awake, I lie still but my equilibrium is all over the place. I turn my head and I am on a roller coaster, the only thing for it is to stop and wait Sometimes I think I feel better and start to move, only for it to roll over me like an eruption of lava..

Then there is the hot sweat that comes just before being actually sick, as I am not generally sick this lingers and heats me past all comfort, the swaying, dizziness all encompasses. The burpy gas pushes up through me trying to escape, here’s the thing, I can’t actually burp, well not naturally. I have to put fingers in my mouth and tickle the back of my tongue, then the gas explodes with a huge roaring thunder clap. I have never been able to burp naturally, I remember accidentally, making myself sick over myself, trying to release a burp on my fourth birthday. There is a name for this affliction too, my daughter tells me but I never remember the term.

Generally the pills make these symptoms vanish, but when they have taken over and I’ve gone too far, the pills just do not work, nor do any others, I know this, I have tried them. There is no magic treatment to aid it, no ginger or natural supplement that helps, though ginger biscuits do call to me. Food revolts me but I know I must eat and choose simple, plain foods, dry and basic. My shopping, cooking, meal prep skills are very limited especially just now, I buy food but it rots in the fridge, cereal keeps me going but taking even that in is unappealing, despite not often being sick, I feel on the verge of it at all times, I am swaying on a tight rope, about to fall to my death. I try to make myself eat regularly, little and often but it is so hard, mostly I can only face it when I am starving hungry.

To bed, to wait and wait, I know one day I will wake with these feeling having passed over and through. In time it will recede and I will be able to go again. Stop fighting Chris, reset, in a few weeks it will be back to the manageable daily degree that you can cope with, the pills will work, it will be intermittent rather than constant. I must give in and get a bloody good rest. GGGGRRRRRRRRRRR! I hate this!

I want to say these words over and over.

Sick, vomit, spew, hurl, puke, gag, retch, eject, purge, barf, chuck up, chunder.

They repulse me, they show how I feel. I want to shout them out loud.

I want it to stop!

Chris. xx