And what have we done?
Errrr. Not a lot.
It was another mainly miserable, lonely time for me, hard enough to make myself function over the season of cheer but I live with a twenty year old, who suffers with this plague also, so its doubly hard. She promised to be awake this year, I should’ve known then not to get my hopes up, but I fell for it, thinking nothing could be as bad as last year. How wrong was I? Still I joked, we wont be at the emergency doctors on xmas eve this year haha. No we were not, not until boxing day, that is. Last year she had a kidney infection, following a urine infection, the result of not drinking or toileting due to sleep. Last year it wasn’t her fault, I had contacted the doctors and followed there advice to take in a sample, without seeing anyone. I did this and heard nothing and so assumed all was well, this was a mistake, she had blood in her pee and it turns out she should’ve been seen, gggrr.
Oh well only hours of waiting rather than enjoying the day. This year it was an ear infection, I had asked and asked if she needed to see the doctor, but the answer was always ‘no its getting better’. I should’ve known better. When the pain started it was too late to get help and so, emergency doctors again; it was very quick, he said her ears were blocked and needed to be cleared and sent us away. The next day we saw one of our doctors and she was given antibiotics. Note to self, when it doesn’t seem right, say something, ask for a second opinion, don’t just like me, walk out in shock. So not entirely her fault, I just can not help feeling that a visit to our doctors before the festivities began would’ve been better.
I discovered she had stopped taking her medication, not only that but she had been lying about it for weeks, this certainly explained why she had felt so unwell suddenly. A harsh conversation and I believed she was getting back on track, but how foolish am I? It turns out she had lied about restarting also. I can no longer trust a word she says, she is self sabotaging and I am at my wits end.
She slept through most days, awake at night some, nothing like a little day/night reversal to keep things cheery. Whats worst is she didn’t get me a gift! I feel worthless, stupid, useless. Throw in a plate of grief, my brother died at new year, last year and I am a mess.
So the holiday period is over, I want to sleep and never wake, This is not an option, so here I am sitting in our bombsite of a kitchen, ignoring the chores, sharing my heart with a world, I can only hope exists.
We are responsible for our own state of mind, I hear the words, but can not separate my own world, from her world, we are both stuck in this dilapidated box we call home.
In good news, I learned to use the waffle iron! Waffles are now the food I dream off. New pills for sickness are helping too, so take her out of the equation and things would feel quite okay.
I put my foot down, either she helps herself or she leaves, I can not support her in this life of nothingness she seems happy to be living. I know she can have a better life, I am the proof. I know it is hard, that it takes work, but a way forward is possible. I need to get her to a supportive doctor and investigate her fear and anxiety, I need to help her break this spell and she needs to let me. I am living in a tortuous limbo, if I don’t help her I can’t move forward either.
I won’t go in to all the details of how my time was spent, I have already over shared, most of my time was spent alone, feeling lonely and waiting for normal life to return. But what then? What now? how can I thrive when she is isn’t. She tells me she is an adult, but behaves like a tantruming toddler, I am aware her tantrums are not normal, but what do I do? I talk, and talk and hope that something gets through, I feel now that the time for talking is passed. I must assert myself, she clearly has no respect for me yet I can’t just leave her to it, I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work, though at this point I would run away if not for the dogs. Is there anyone to have them, so that I can run away for much needed respite, just to refuel? No I can’t think of anyone, let go of that fantasy. In theory I should be able to leave her with the responsibility but right now that’s a pipe dreams. The animals would suffer and I can’t allow that.
As I write this, she has news…..
She’s moving out, sooner than she was planning, her and a friend were moving to Manchester together, eventually, someday in an imaginary future. Now she announces their new plan to move in together locally. So rather than address her life here, she will move out and continue as she is. I am flooded with relief. I can not do this anymore but for a six month timescale, I can cope. I dare to dream, of my life without responsibility and daily caring. In my thoughts she will transform herself into a happy functioning woman and all will be well for us both. And breathe, stay calm, don’t panic! Loneliness when alone is much easier to deal with, better than this endless limbo. A change in circumstances will open up opportunities for me, my world is changing and change feels good.
So back to xmas, overall I am just glad its over, yet again I vow that next time I will not be sitting in this box alone, well I have a year to change things, here’s hoping. I say this every year but hey, I do try to make connections and plans. Keep trying Chris.
Cheers to the new year and what lies ahead. It can only get better.
Chris.xx
Living With ME 