Well its another new year, the time for optimism and making plans. Thinking of the things we want to change, give up on. New things we want to start. Setting goals to achieve the life we hope for. Its a positive time, we shake off the year before, raise our heads up from the winter fog and dare to dream.
Yet its an annual event and the older we get the more jaded we become. Its just another year, it will happen as it happens, we will be drawn along, in no time our secret wishes dissipate and disappear and it all becomes much of a muchness.
Last year I had turned fifty, it felt strange, different. My body changed in many ways and not for the better, yet my mind felt free and renewed. I felt a sense of congruence, that I am leading the right life, that all the events of my life led me here. My identity felt solid and it felt good.
The year began for me with grief and loss, I lost my brother and it hurt, the first months of the year passed in a teary blur; yet from that came a strength I didn’t know I had. One of the worst things had happened and I was still standing and trying to move forward. I had such a sense of optimism, that the past was separate from me, I was firmly set in the present looking to the future.
This year at 51, I hoped to harness this positive state of being, this emotional freedom and yet I find my old self raising its negative head. Christmas was depressing and I have felt very unwell for months, leading me into a small protected routine. I was worried about new year’s eve, that I would sink into grief and darkness, In the end, that didn’t happen, I had company at home and was distracted from negative thoughts, I made it through and into the new year and was able to breathe and relax, yet I remain haunted, like a little nugget of sadness clings to me. The question is, can I shake it off, or is it here to stay?
I loved the new me, the older woman, I felt fearless, fifty and proud. Where has that gone? Life is cyclical but I assumed I had moved into a new phase, my next cycle, yet here I sit feeling old and alone, wondering what the future holds, knowing I can survive anything but no longer fearless.
The days grow longer and the sun shines down, reminding me that spring is around the corner and I look forward to that. I plan my days and work my way through the endless life tasks that can not be avoided, I have plans for the future and must focus on that. Change lingers in the air, enticing and mysterious and I know this year will be different than the last. I must face up to the old me, the patterns I had, the events that molded me and be prepared for a new stage, this newer, brighter me, the over fifty woman I have morphed towards and met briefly already. I must allow myself to grow and blossom despite the challenges, I must let go of the old and open the door wide to the new.
Here’s to this new year and all that lies ahead!
Chris.xx
Living With ME 