Firstly, I write this as a note to myself, I must find new ways to start a post. I feel the urge to begin, so, or well.
So, from urge to surge. I noticed recently as I stumbled around our little park-way with my little ladies, dogs that is, that I actually felt quite perky, good almost. The sun was shining and though it was cold, it was the strength of sun that warms your head. I looked around, surveying the hill and trees and thought, my, yes, I do in fact feel awake, like properly alert, Okay so I was dragging one leg and wincing with pain, but overall I felt almost human. This was a surprise to me, I do not often have this feeling.
Wow, I thought to myself, is this how normal people feel? Wow, no wonder they get so much done. It was like I had recovered from blindness and can suddenly see. Well, I do enjoy this feeling, although it is always a surprise when it happens, I do experience it from time to time.
Its like I can feel energy living and moving through my body, my foot meets the path with a tiny bounce, nearly imperceptible but there, I feel a small sliver of joy, this is a good day and it is not even 9am. I breathe in the warming air, deeply and exhale with enthusiasm. I ignore a shriek from my knee and a cry from my thigh and look to the sky. Yes, it is a good day.
Inside I know what lies ahead, but enough of that, I will enjoy this moment for all that it is. Winter is definitely over and I live so much better in the lighter, warmer months. Just imagine all that I can get done. I am already focusing on getting up earlier and organising my time and activities better. This day I have my morning plotted out and so move on with my day with an optimistic smile.
Two hours later, I want to tell you its still a joy but you already sense that was not the case. I have had a swim, a quick 10 mins, with strokes that are made up and morphed together for comfort. Following that I had a G.P appointment, I had a bit of a wait, but all went well and timely. I have increased my estrogen patches and been given pepper-mint oil pills for the gas tank bloating. I forgot to ask about my still deformed looking knuckle and something else I had in mind as important but can’t even remember now. I am always conscious of not taking up to much time in surgery, so vowed to make a new appointment. I still couldn’t make an appointment with a nurse for a smear test, an NHS letter reminds I am due for that bit of loveliness and an annual asthma review, its been weeks of trying already, but I will call again. Should I die of cervical cancer or suffocate in an asthma fit, I will make a fuss or even sue.
Leaving the doctors I noticed I was lagging, my muscles were shaking my mind was fumbling but I paced on to the supermarket, Sainsbury’s is near this doctors and I rarely get this way, so it is a treat to pop in when I am over there, I tend to pop in and snap up bargains and occassional luxuries, before darting into Lidl, down the road for real groceries.
Whoops I realised, I had missed my pain relief dose, tramadol and paracetamol were due when I arrived in the doctor’s waiting room and I simply forgot. On top of that, this morning’s activities were not part of a usual routine, I usually rest following the pool, I got things in the wrong order.
The surge of energy I felt much earlier, came and went, as it does, I had made a cruicial error, I had used up this surge without converting more. In my enthusiasm I had ignored my condition and acted like a normal person. Crikey, I even had plans of action for the rest of the day. Now that was in doubt.
I swallowed some pills, righted myself and got on with the shopping and getting home, I was not a pretty sight. I got through my doorway to collapse and that was that for that day, I crawled to bed to lie in agony for hours before finally passing out until the next day.
Surging energy feels good, it is to be appreciated respectfully and never taken for granted.
Activities outside of your usual routine must be planned with caution. That day, I should have gone only to the doctors, not one supermarket, never-mind two as well and I should have headed to the pool from there and then directly home, on the bus. Hine sight is a great thing, but come on, I should know these things, it was a trick of the light, literally.
Energy is precious, use it wisely.
Chrisxxx
Living With ME 