Excuse me,you have a leaf in your hair.

Recently I was travelling by bus, unusually, I had a Cockapoo on my knee and it was a little awkward. After a good while, I heard this sentence from the young woman sitting behind me. ‘Excuse me, you have a leaf in your hair’. I must say it was quite the unexpected conversation, luckily she freed it from my long mane and I thanked her.

It got me thinking though, I had felt something above me as I stepped onto the bus, but shrugged it off, the bus stop is under a tree. Just my luck I thought. On this day I was dressed well, as in properly dressed, with some thought and care for my presentation, I was going into a city and wanted to look and feel human. What is it with me, that attract detritus to my person. How many people does this happen too? I was of the thought it was just typical of me. Thank God, this passenger saved me from a whole day of humiliation. Imagine the looks and comments as I trotted along city streets, with my pedigree companion and my happy smile. Maybe it was a big leaf and I could have styled it out as a modern fashion statement, a natural hat to crown my locks?

So as embarrassing events go, I was saved by a kind stranger, a good twenty minutes into my journey though, how many had looked and laughed before she sat behind me? As I think more about all this, I think of it as a metaphor for life. We go about our general business, striving to be a part of a functioning world, only to have some random event interact with us and change our journey. Things can literally fall on us from above, without notice, I was lucky this was only a leaf, but just like that I was affected by the outward influence. I am quite brazen and so just genuinely thanked my kind stranger, she was nervous and embarrassed for me, obviously, she had been weighing up whether to say anything or not. I was glad she did.

It is not often I go into a city and never before with a dog, ‘why now’? I hear you ask. The dog belongs to my nephew, he’s a puppy still, the softest in fur and temperament, he had spent the weekend in our animal madness and was going home. My nephew had planned to collect him but his car had broken down, so desperate was I to return him, I jumped on public transport. He is a lovely boy and I had looked forward to having him, unfortunately our youngest dog had not appreciated the intrusion; despite her sweet nature, she acted like a wild wolf and seemed to want to rip his head off. It made for a tricky weekend, we already have separate dog and cat world, luckily the bounder was brilliant with the cat and the other dog so mostly we had to isolate our suddenly vicious girl, she is my baby and likes to be by my side so it was hard all round. The walking of three dogs together was a natural comedy sketch in the making so when Monday came round I was at my pet limit. I still feel like I need a good animal free break away.

The weekend had been chaos, nothing went according to plan, I had pictured all three dogs, playing and snuggling with me, but no, add the cat to the mix and whoah! Cat meowing in the kitchen, a dog scratching at the living room door, stripping paint off, the puppy demanding constant attention and the oldest, bossiest making herself known. We tried to watch a film but had to switch off, we just couldn’t hear it and they were not going to stop. Amongst all this though I felt happy, life is the unexpected moments that keep you occupied and feeling. I felt pleased to be trusted with a loved and precious creature and felt purposeful and useful.

As I think of the leaf landing on me from above, I think did I ask for this intrusion by presenting myself to the world, did the effort I make to appear human and happy make me a target for the unexpected, did I need putting in my place? Was this a gentle warning to beware?What if I had been my more usual scruff, unkempt with knotted hair, would I have felt the same? Would someone have told me? Or been too scared to speak to me? Mainly I see it as a metaphor for life, we go about our business and the universe sends us the unexpected. How we deal with it is what matters. In the last year, unexpected illness and death has fallen on me and not gently as this leaf did. No matter how hard we try to order our lives the unexpected is never far away.

So I strolled through the city streets, with my cute companion, strutting our stuff and responding to the people who always stop and ask to pet the dog, feeling in the moment and despite life’s unexpected negative turns, knowing I can cope. I returned home to be ignored by all the pets and that felt good.

Here’s to the next leaf in my hair, better that than bird shit!

Chris. xx

She’s Electric.

I lie in bed seeking sleep, yet my body will not give in. Electricity surges through me, I am alive, I want to shout, like a creation of Frankenstein. Okay, okay, I am already alive, you can stop zapping me now.

My muscles and joints pop, an internal body popping motion that travels throughout me. Have you ever touched an electric wire fence? That’s what it is like. Like someone touched the wire and held on to you, sending to circuit through you with that distinctive sudden popping shock.

Maybe I am in a game of operation, with the tweezers touching the edge setting off the red nose and buzz. Or that game where you travel a hoop along an electrified shaped wire, trying not to touch.

The buzzes come through me, they twitch me, at least my power is turned on, I guess but no this is not nice. My body is clearly, literally miss firing, signals swish and rush around my body from and to my brain, its all gone haywire!

Maybe I can harness this power somehow, how I can never work out. My thoughts are interrupted by the constant zapping. I try to take control, to focus, visualise, retrain my brain, but to no avail. I can but lie still and let it run its course.

If I get up and try to move, I am jerky and have no muscle control, if I manage to lift a cup to my mouth, the liquid inside slooshes and spills, I fight the urge to let go, throw it accidentally away from me. Can I stand? My legs are strong but right now they are disconnected from me, I am an electrified puppet, I can not will control over this. If I am not in bed at this point, I need help to get there. The stairs loom above me as an insurmountable mountain, I can not lift my foot onto the first step, I can not hold tight to the banister.

Settled into bed I need weight over me, an attempt to literally weigh myself down. I close my eyes, light flashes in colours like internal fireworks. Where is the off switch? I am literally electric.

I realised when first writing this, that I had a metal bed frame, a mistake I had not thought of before. I changed to a wooden, solid frame, that was a mammoth challenge in itself, but I did it. Now hopefully my bed is grounded and this will help, or at least not intensify the jolts. Oh the things we need to think of. There are a number of grounding products out there and I think its time for research into this, I will keep you posted.

I wish I knew how to avoid this symptom, sometimes I have triggered it when I have gone over into using adrenaline and then its understandable but at other times it has just happened. I would like to say I meditate my way through, but I just can not keep my mind still. I bop and pop like I am at an eighties disco.

If I try to ignore it and move, it intensifies until I am flinging my limbs around, like I am a wooden jointed puppet being controlled by an evil, performing genius. Even sitting still is impossible.

As I think of it now, I couldn’t be writing this if I was experiencing it now, it seems like a distant symptom, it overwhelms but is soon forgotten, it is hard to describe, to explain. Clearly my body’s signals are misfiring, out of control, maybe it is happening constantly yet at a lower, barely perceptible level. I just don’t know. I know I am responsive to electrical currents. I am one of those people who gets zapped by static electricity easily, if I touch a car as I crawl out, it gets me. 

I have a tens machine and a Revitive, that sends current through your legs, both of these help me with pain and cramps, so maybe I am harnessing electricity for good with both of these. At least when the surging starts I know I am alive and my body is working even though it is uncontrollable. 

Learn to accept, Its just another symptom on the list.

Here’s to acceptance!

Chris.xx

New Year. Old Me.

Well its another new year, the time for optimism and making plans. Thinking of the things we want to change, give up on. New things we want to start. Setting goals to achieve the life we hope for. Its a positive time, we shake off the year before, raise our heads up from the winter fog and dare to dream.

Yet its an annual event and the older we get the more jaded we become. Its just another year, it will happen as it happens, we will be drawn along, in no time our secret wishes dissipate and disappear and it all becomes much of a muchness.

Last year I had turned fifty, it felt strange, different. My body changed in many ways and not for the better, yet my mind felt free and renewed. I felt a sense of congruence, that I am leading the right life, that all the events of my life led me here. My identity felt solid and it felt good.

The year began for me with grief and loss, I lost my brother and it hurt, the first months of the year passed in a teary blur; yet from that came a strength I didn’t know I had. One of the worst things had happened and I was still standing and trying to move forward. I had such a sense of optimism, that the past was separate from me, I was firmly set in the present looking to the future.

This year at 51, I hoped to harness this positive state of being, this emotional freedom and yet I find my old self raising its negative head. Christmas was depressing and I have felt very unwell for months, leading me into a small protected routine. I was worried about new year’s eve, that I would sink into grief and darkness, In the end, that didn’t happen, I had company at home and was distracted from negative thoughts, I made it through and into the new year and was able to breathe and relax, yet I remain haunted, like a little nugget of sadness clings to me. The question is, can I shake it off, or is it here to stay?

I loved the new me, the older woman, I felt fearless, fifty and proud. Where has that gone? Life is cyclical but I assumed I had moved into a new phase, my next cycle, yet here I sit feeling old and alone, wondering what the future holds, knowing I can survive anything but no longer fearless.

The days grow longer and the sun shines down, reminding me that spring is around the corner and I look forward to that. I plan my days and work my way through the endless life tasks that can not be avoided, I have plans for the future and must focus on that. Change lingers in the air, enticing and mysterious and I know this year will be different than the last. I must face up to the old me, the patterns I had, the events that molded me and be prepared for a new stage, this newer, brighter me, the over fifty woman I have morphed towards and met briefly already. I must allow myself to grow and blossom despite the challenges, I must let go of the old and open the door wide to the new.

Here’s to this new year and all that lies ahead!

Chris.xx

Waiting for Workers.

Today I am waiting for workers to visit to sort jobs around the house. We are with a housing association and in theory we are well taken care of. There were years in the past when the system worked well, but since Covid, the service has suffered. I have waited three months for this appointment and I don’t know which job it is for, I have several booked, they give them job numbers and I do not know which is which job. I feel lucky though, home owners can have terrible trouble getting work done and then there is the expense.

The think is I hate the waiting, we have a time slot, between 1pm and 6pm, its a long time, luckily for this one its only my daughter’s room they need to enter or the guttering outside, so no cleaning up for me, Yey, that is a relief. I could go back to bed and wait but feel I should use the time productively, so here I am, waiting and writing.

The worse bit is when they get to working on something that takes time, I always feel embarrassed having people in, I apologise for the state of the place as if it is ever any better, I know they see worse places than mine, I know I am a polite, helpful, grateful customer and need nor worry about there impressions yet still I feel uncomfortable.

Sitting still while someone is working feels wrong, but usually the staying awake waiting tires me to the point of inactivity, so I often sit and wait for them to finish. It is always a relief when the job is done. There is always a mess to clear afterwards and I never say anything about it in the review they ask for afterwards. Somehow it seems to be my job to clear up their mess, is it that I am a woman or not working, while they are? Both maybe,

I try to assert myself more nowadays, often they send someone who has no idea how to fix the problem. It took years to get the edging around the bath sorted. A new bathroom sixteen years ago, left a rut around the bath, water collected and caused mould and rotted the sealant, they just kept adding more sealant, which didn’t work. Eventually I worked out what to do and told them and finally a tiler came, a number of times, removed it all, and put in strips around to seal it all and keep it looking nice. What a faff that was though, so the sink still needs the same treatment, its on my list. So many jobs are bodged or done badly, you have to stand over and say something really but I hate that.

We used to be given a whole day appointment, expected to wait home, like we have nothing better to do. Then they worked out the school run can’t be missed and started times within that, now they have three different time slots at least. There was also a phase of not being given an appointment at all, just someone would turn up, when they could do it, expecting us all to be home all day. They text or ring now before they come generally but they tend to say, ‘you are our next job, we will be with you in ten minutes’, so I can’t chance popping out. The worse days are when you wait all day, only to get a text near the end of the day with a new appointment date. This happens all to often, so I wait with baited breath, expecting the worst.

Of course everything is online now, and all information sent by text. It feels weird to me, old fashioned as I am. I miss, letters and emails and I still call, I like to speak to someone, even though I find such calls hard, I am swimming against the tide with that and must get my head around the online system, some time soon.

Why do I feel trapped by the waiting? I planned my week around the appointment, I don’t have anywhere to be and yet I feel stuck. I walked the dogs before 1 pm and hopefully they will come before it goes dark so I can run them again, but maybe it will be a blessing if I can’t take them.

Well here’s to the frustration and the powerlessness of waiting….

Chris. xx

So that was Xmas!

And what have we done?

Errrr. Not a lot.

It was another mainly miserable, lonely time for me, hard enough to make myself function over the season of cheer but I live with a twenty year old, who suffers with this plague also, so its doubly hard. She promised to be awake this year, I should’ve known then not to get my hopes up, but I fell for it, thinking nothing could be as bad as last year. How wrong was I? Still I joked, we wont be at the emergency doctors on xmas eve this year haha. No we were not, not until boxing day, that is. Last year she had a kidney infection, following a urine infection, the result of not drinking or toileting due to sleep. Last year it wasn’t her fault, I had contacted the doctors and followed there advice to take in a sample, without seeing anyone. I did this and heard nothing and so assumed all was well, this was a mistake, she had blood in her pee and it turns out she should’ve been seen, gggrr.

Oh well only hours of waiting rather than enjoying the day. This year it was an ear infection, I had asked and asked if she needed to see the doctor, but the answer was always ‘no its getting better’. I should’ve known better. When the pain started it was too late to get help and so, emergency doctors again; it was very quick, he said her ears were blocked and needed to be cleared and sent us away. The next day we saw one of our doctors and she was given antibiotics. Note to self, when it doesn’t seem right, say something, ask for a second opinion, don’t just like me, walk out in shock. So not entirely her fault, I just can not help feeling that a visit to our doctors before the festivities began would’ve been better.

I discovered she had stopped taking her medication, not only that but she had been lying about it for weeks, this certainly explained why she had felt so unwell suddenly. A harsh conversation and I believed she was getting back on track, but how foolish am I? It turns out she had lied about restarting also. I can no longer trust a word she says, she is self sabotaging and I am at my wits end.

She slept through most days, awake at night some, nothing like a little day/night reversal to keep things cheery. Whats worst is she didn’t get me a gift! I feel worthless, stupid, useless. Throw in a plate of grief, my brother died at new year, last year and I am a mess.

So the holiday period is over, I want to sleep and never wake, This is not an option, so here I am sitting in our bombsite of a kitchen, ignoring the chores, sharing my heart with a world, I can only hope exists.

We are responsible for our own state of mind, I hear the words, but can not separate my own world, from her world, we are both stuck in this dilapidated box we call home.

In good news, I learned to use the waffle iron! Waffles are now the food I dream off. New pills for sickness are helping too, so take her out of the equation and things would feel quite okay.

I put my foot down, either she helps herself or she leaves, I can not support her in this life of nothingness she seems happy to be living. I know she can have a better life, I am the proof. I know it is hard, that it takes work, but a way forward is possible. I need to get her to a supportive doctor and investigate her fear and anxiety, I need to help her break this spell and she needs to let me. I am living in a tortuous limbo, if I don’t help her I can’t move forward either.

I won’t go in to all the details of how my time was spent, I have already over shared, most of my time was spent alone, feeling lonely and waiting for normal life to return. But what then? What now? how can I thrive when she is isn’t. She tells me she is an adult, but behaves like a tantruming toddler, I am aware her tantrums are not normal, but what do I do? I talk, and talk and hope that something gets through, I feel now that the time for talking is passed. I must assert myself, she clearly has no respect for me yet I can’t just leave her to it, I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work, though at this point I would run away if not for the dogs. Is there anyone to have them, so that I can run away for much needed respite, just to refuel? No I can’t think of anyone, let go of that fantasy. In theory I should be able to leave her with the responsibility but right now that’s a pipe dreams. The animals would suffer and I can’t allow that.

As I write this, she has news…..

She’s moving out, sooner than she was planning, her and a friend were moving to Manchester together, eventually, someday in an imaginary future. Now she announces their new plan to move in together locally. So rather than address her life here, she will move out and continue as she is. I am flooded with relief. I can not do this anymore but for a six month timescale, I can cope. I dare to dream, of my life without responsibility and daily caring. In my thoughts she will transform herself into a happy functioning woman and all will be well for us both. And breathe, stay calm, don’t panic! Loneliness when alone is much easier to deal with, better than this endless limbo. A change in circumstances will open up opportunities for me, my world is changing and change feels good.

So back to xmas, overall I am just glad its over, yet again I vow that next time I will not be sitting in this box alone, well I have a year to change things, here’s hoping. I say this every year but hey, I do try to make connections and plans. Keep trying Chris.

Cheers to the new year and what lies ahead. It can only get better.

Chris.xx

Hibernation.

Each Autumn, my body starts to shut down, viral symptoms plague me, forcing me to rest, daring me to try to live, full flu symptoms floating over me, If I allow it to take hold it will take me down. Rests calls, drawing me to my bed, the in between world seeping through me. The urge to sleep grows, I wake and get up only to fall back into sleep.

My body shrinks, seeking warmth, the cold air swallowing me with aches and pains combined. General stiffness over rides, the air cloys at my throat closing it in. the very air I breathe shutting me down. My mind whirls like a vacuum, no thoughts make it through other than the call of sleep, sleep, sleep.

And then there is……….

Nothing!

Bring on the spring!

Chris. xx

Watching.

Recently I found myself in the mood for watching films, well not just in the mood but able to actually watch, follow and comprehend. I settled myself onto the sofa, feeling cosy, its not often I just snuggle up in the living room. My life is spent following my condition management routine, being active or resting, so rarely do I sit back and watch. All to often I can not focus on the screen and only put on short, simple, repeated programmes. It felt so nice to be choosing a film.

I chose to search for werewolf films, I love this genre, easy watching and often fun. I was pleased to find a list of films I haven’t seen and lay back to watch one. I spent the day watching, enjoying myself, drinks and snacks, my comfy home cinema experience. I watched one film after another. It was the weekend, the chores could wait, time alone to relax was mine. It was a fun day. I binged but dragged myself off to bed early enough for an early active start the following Monday morning. I had an active day planned and slept well.

To my horror, I could not awaken this next morning. I was completely out of action, my alarm went of and I just managed to stop it before falling back to sleep. I was expected to accompany my daughter to a doctor appointment, she still wants my support with that. Remembering this expectation I set my alarm for an hour later, just time to get ready and go. This alarm came and I still couldn’t move, luckily she was up and came in I grunted my state and she reluctantly agreed to go alone, I was amazed and grateful, I could not have gone, I could not get up. I fell back into deep sleep, awaking a day later.

What was wrong with me? I thought I did nothing all day before, surely I should have been able to function, then it dawned on me, no I hadn’t done nothing, I had watched films, all day, using my cognitive skills, my eyes, my head my brain. What a fool I was. It had felt radical that I had been able to focus but now I had payed the price, the payback, I had put myself out of action. GGGGrrrrr such stupidity, never again. Watching a film is as tiring as a gym session, its just different. While I was physically relaxed and comfortable I was mentally using higher functioning skills and no wonder I was exhausted.

It is so easy to forget that all actions affect the body, even seemingly easy things, watching particularly is extremely draining, there is a reason I don’t do it often.

Important note to self and to the world, all activity is a drain on energy levels.

May I never forget this again.

Chris. xx

The Rack.

I often have painful nights, I want to try to communicate this pain as a way to come to terms with it. Somehow giving symptoms a name helps me to accept them.

I lie down in bed, tired and ready for sleep that can not come, I imagine I am tied on to a medieval torture rack, with some invisible demon turning and tightening the wheel. My joints and muscles both feel they are being pulled, torn away from me. My joints open up, dislocate, come out of their sockets, the pain is white hot and so intense. I can not move.

Literally the muscles stretch, I feel this, thinking the pain can not continue but then it gets worse. I lie like a star fish as my limbs are twisted, bending out of shape. Each turn of the rack intensifies the agony.

I know I am not moving, I know there is no rack, but I see it in my mind, it is the only way to explain the pain. I wonder what I did to cause this and know there was nothing, no extra exertion, no activity that warrants this. Gentle stretching exercise helps this I know, but I wonder if my pilates earlier has resulted in this? I know that periods of inertia make the pain worse, using my muscles and joints keeps them working and pain at a distance. This is just a symptom I live with. I have been advised medically to use strong pain relief at bedtime, but I often refuse to do this. A dependency to Tramadol is not what I want. At times I must give in and take the drugs that dull the sensations, but the wrack turns on.

I see myself dragged apart, ripped from my core, the flesh exploding from my tortured joints, my bones splintered and broken. I visualise myself whole and well, seek comfort from my mattress, squeeze the pillows between my arms and legs, propping them to shoulder and hip height, keeping myself aligned. I try to sleep, I meditate, I relax and breathe through the struggle.

Meanwhile in the medieval dungeon, a cloaked figure tightens the ropes around my hands and feet, digging them into my skin, burning; and turns the wooden handle to stretch and crack me all over again. At some point I succumb to sleep only to be flung out of it by a sudden shock of torment. When will it stop? ‘Stop please’ I beg, the scream inside bellows out from me but falls on deaf ears; the rack turns, the torture endures.

If I confess my sins, will it end?

Chris. xx

Waffle Waffle.

Yes today I am literally waffling about waffles. I love a waffle, weeks ago I determined I would make some. Over a year ago I ordered a waffle iron, craving them and deciding I would make them, it hangs in the kitchen unused. So I looked up the recipe, shopped and bought the ingredients, including strawberries to top them with, thinking off chocolate sauce or maple syrup, there should be a jar of each languishing in the cupboards somewhere. I made a mental note to check that out.

Well the strawberries rotted, lingering in the fridge for too long, the waffles remained unmade. The squirty cream disappeared into my daughter, I suspect she drank it from the can. Now weeks later I am still planning to make my waffles. What is it that stops me? Well the effort involved obviously, although its one step up from pancakes, which are the easiest things to make. It always surprises me when people buy packs of pancake mix, you still add the milk and the same effort is needed as using flour and an egg, but to each their own.

Weeks later I sit and type this instead of getting on and making them, I need milk, cream and eggs again, how much I have wasted while expecting to get into the culinary mood. They will be expensive waffles. The thought of using the waffle iron excites me but the effort and mess put me off, I know it will be a real delicious treat, I hope the bananas are still fresh, I changed my fruit craving as strawberries dissolve so quickly.

Well stop thinking about it Chris and start doing it, motto of my life, no not today but soon, I can taste them now.

Yum Yum in anticipation.

Chris xx

Pukey!

Well this is an unpleasant symptom and so if you have a weak stomach maybe don’t read on. I have written about this topic before but feel drawn to say more as lately this is a daily horrible symptom.

So yes I feel sick, like whirling nausea constantly, its like being sea sick, my vertigo has increased with it also. It hangs over my head, I am even having headaches, which are not a usual symptom.

I feel the urge to literally puke, non stop, even when my body is empty of food. When I think of food it overwhelms me and it feels uncontrollable. When I eat I feel that I want to spew every mouthful out, each time, I think eating may ease it but no. I burp gas from my bloated gut, opening my mouth to release it, leaning forward expecting an avalanche of sick that doesn’t come.

I have digestive disorders, reflux acid and oesophagitis, its probably gastro-oesophageal reflux disease, but who needs another title. I take Lansoprozole daily without it I can not keep food down, without the pills I can eat only lightly steamed vegetables, believe me this is not a fun diet and even then I must guzzle Gaviscon Advance and still have symptoms. I have taken this medication for over 25 years, having worked through an array of others before that. There are more recent treatments but this one still works usually and so I carry on; maybe I should speak with a doctor and try a newer one, maybe.

As for the sickness and vertigo, I use Prochlorperazine, this has been my main one for many years, again I have tried others but always come back to this. Right now it doesn’t feel like its working, this happens and I know that it means I have been trying to live like a low level human being, I have done to much for too long. I know that a number of weeks spent in and around my bed with limited movement and mental activity will reboot my internal ocean. I need to do this but I am still rebelling and trying to do things and pretend to be a person, with some quality of life.

The problem with these symptoms, they will only get worse, a short car journey, well taxi, I can not drive, another setback of this curse, makes me heave and spit burning liquid from deep down. It turns me into a hurling, heaving, pukey monster. It is horrible and I can not hold out much longer. Lying in bed, I feel I am floating on a rough ocean with waves that curl and throw me inside. My head bangs, I must close my eyes and wait for the seas to calm, right now I feel that it will never subside, but I am writing this and not lying still as I should be.

This illness stinks but often at my worst times my body goes into shut down and puts me out, like being under anesthesia, I feel nothing and that is a merciful release. Now though I feel everything, all my other symptoms are in the background with this rampant sickness taken over. I lay down and look at the inside of my eyelids, craving the dark, willing it to settle. I know these symptoms well but every time it gets this bad I panic and struggle against the feelings. Literally I feel ill, sick, it is out of my control and I hate it. I don’t sleep easily, the swaying and gulping and retching keeps me awake, I lie still but my equilibrium is all over the place. I turn my head and I am on a roller coaster, the only thing for it is to stop and wait Sometimes I think I feel better and start to move, only for it to roll over me like an eruption of lava..

Then there is the hot sweat that comes just before being actually sick, as I am not generally sick this lingers and heats me past all comfort, the swaying, dizziness all encompasses. The burpy gas pushes up through me trying to escape, here’s the thing, I can’t actually burp, well not naturally. I have to put fingers in my mouth and tickle the back of my tongue, then the gas explodes with a huge roaring thunder clap. I have never been able to burp naturally, I remember accidentally, making myself sick over myself, trying to release a burp on my fourth birthday. There is a name for this affliction too, my daughter tells me but I never remember the term.

Generally the pills make these symptoms vanish, but when they have taken over and I’ve gone too far, the pills just do not work, nor do any others, I know this, I have tried them. There is no magic treatment to aid it, no ginger or natural supplement that helps, though ginger biscuits do call to me. Food revolts me but I know I must eat and choose simple, plain foods, dry and basic. My shopping, cooking, meal prep skills are very limited especially just now, I buy food but it rots in the fridge, cereal keeps me going but taking even that in is unappealing, despite not often being sick, I feel on the verge of it at all times, I am swaying on a tight rope, about to fall to my death. I try to make myself eat regularly, little and often but it is so hard, mostly I can only face it when I am starving hungry.

To bed, to wait and wait, I know one day I will wake with these feeling having passed over and through. In time it will recede and I will be able to go again. Stop fighting Chris, reset, in a few weeks it will be back to the manageable daily degree that you can cope with, the pills will work, it will be intermittent rather than constant. I must give in and get a bloody good rest. GGGGRRRRRRRRRRR! I hate this!

I want to say these words over and over.

Sick, vomit, spew, hurl, puke, gag, retch, eject, purge, barf, chuck up, chunder.

They repulse me, they show how I feel. I want to shout them out loud.

I want it to stop!

Chris. xx