Recently I wrote about the mist within my brain, now I want to tell you about the fog. The fog is different to the mist, it appears instead as an almost solid wall, blanketing the brain and suffocating all ability.
When I think of the fog, I am reminded of the old horror film of the same title. The fog would billow over a sea side township, hiding revenge seeking, dead pirates within its swathes. As a child this film scared me, as an adult my own fog terrifies me.
Years after the film, I read the novel of the same name by James Herbert expecting a similar tale, but his was a darker story within which people had the sudden urge to kill themselves, even more chilling than murderous sailors from the past.
I think also of the great smog of London past, when industrialisation poisoned the planet and was clear to see thick and deadly in the streets. Fog to me is a thing therefore of nightmares.
Many speak nowadays of ‘brain fog’ as though this is an understood thing, I hate the term, i hate the way it sounds when it is spoken, I hate that all kinds of well people have claimed it as their own. I no longer use this term. For me it is simply the fog. Whereas I may see and feel the mist rolling towards me, the fog seems to just exist within me and around my whole body. My brain becomes clouded, like a shroud of death has been wrapped over me. Thought is impossible. My limbs fight in vain, trying to move against the will of this monster.
Surroundings blur, consciousness fades, can I even speak my name through this murk. Concentration is impossible, it is as though the mind is paralysed, Is this what death feels like? I am cocooned in nothingness. ‘And this to will pass’ is the saying and I must always think of that. This is not a permanent situation, it will dissipate in time, how much time depends on my energy reserves. I can reboot quickly or be stuck within the shroud. The initial frustration and annoyance I feel at my body holding me back, just as I need to get something done, soon gives way, fighting is futile and physically impossible.
If my brain was a lighthouse, I would light the light and banish this fog.
Chris. xx
Living With ME 